Dear Karen

Dear Karen,

I am 27 years old and I have been in a relationship for 5 years. I really love my boyfriend and I want to marry him but every time the conversation evolves around marriage he indicates that he is not ready (he is also 27). Five months ago I met a new friend of my boyfriend he is 35 and as soon as I saw him I could not get him out of my head. When my boyfriend was out of the country for business he came by our house in order to pick something that he had forgotten. The next day we went out for a drink and slowly slowly we started getting out (as friends) more but although I really found him attractive I would not dare to do anything with him. He also has a girlfriend for 6 years but she lives in a different country and they have broken up several times. One afternoon we went for a walk and he hugged me and kissed me on my forehead later on I received a txt from him saying that he was very proud that he did not kiss me as he really likes his friend (my boyfriend) and doing something like that would have been really bad. Two weeks later we met again and we ended up kissing and it was the more passionate kiss I have ever had. Since that whenever we can, we meet and each time it gets better and better. Last Thursday I slept at his house and he said that it has been the best night of his life.

I feel extremely guilty of what I am doing but I cannot help it. He told me he is in love with me and so am I. and he has hinted several time to break up with our partners in order to be with each other. But I do not know what to do. I still love my boyfriend a lot, but with him is like we ying yang each other in a perfect way.

I hope you can help me on this one,

Thanks Ellie

Ellie, you don’t need me to tell you that people are going to get hurt here. On one hand you’re saying that you’re ready for marriage and sort of blaming your boyfriend for what you’re doing because he says he’s not ready. But look at what you’re doing. You’re saying you want to commit and be faithful to this man for the rest of your life while sleeping with his friend. Marriage is about love and caring and NOT always doing what your body feels like. Of course after 5 years with someone it’s hard for the passion to remain as strong and there will always be men who you are attracted to. Marriage is about being able to resist and say no because you love your partner so much that you wouldn’t want to hurt them. That’s what committing is about.

I can’t help you decide which of these two men (if either) you are supposed to be with because I don’t know the separate relationships but what I will tell you is that you need to make a decision and stop seeing both of them at once. It’s not fair on your boyfriend and ultimately you are hurting yourself. It’s a tricky decision because passion and lust are very confusing but not a basis for a lifelong partnership, which you seem to have with your long-term boyfriend. Is it really yin and yang or just lust?

I know this all might have sounded harsh but I want to tell you that many years ago I was seeing someone for a few years and he went traveling for a few months. In this time I had an affair with his best friend. I also felt like I was in love with him but in the end we just hurt a lot of people and their friendship was damaged forever. I think it’s always a good rule to ask if you’re going to hurt people by doing something and if the answer is yes – don’t do it.

Let me know,

Love Karen

Dear Karen,

I’m with my boyfriend for nearly 4 months now. We went to Nursery and Primary school together and mailed each other a year before we managed to meet up. Everything seemed to go well but I have issues stemming from my childhood which makes a relationship for me very hard.(My mum is an alcoholic and left the family, no contact) This childhood experience left me with “verlustangst” = fear of loosing someone. He knows all my history of how I suffered…he spends lots of time with his colleagues and they party and they are more important to him than me… I can’t stand it and can’t bear it and it breaks my heart. Can’t explain the whole extent of it all but the thing that hurts me the most is that the day after my birthday, when i will host a party he prefers it to go away to Munich to the oktoberfst with his colleagues and cant understand how hurt I am by this. I am thinking of ending it although he was the first man I slept with and usually when were together its all fine and I know his family but when he is with his colleagues he’s different and that hurts me and I cant bear it (he lives in a small town and commutes to work ).
What shall I do? I cant bear it when he does stuff like Oktoberfest and I cry and have a breakdown as it hurts me soo much as it happened in a previous relationship and now next week he’s also going on holiday with his colleague….and I don’t know how to cope.

We talked lots and both want the same really but he’s also hurt form a previous relationship and is holding back his feelings and I give 100% in this relationship and just want to be loved. I am crying and sobbing and really don’t know if I should just beat him with his own weapons and should act carefree and as if I wouldn’t mind all this hoping to show him his own behaviour.
Right now I am up and in my living room, he’s still sleeping in my bed but after the colleagues party last night I cant bear to be near him now and cant sleep. Yesterday in bed I clung onto his arm as i was soo terrified of loosing him as I met the colleagues for the first time and just couldn’t cope with that. I wanted to be close to him but no matter how hard I would have hugged him it would never be enough, yet at the same time i felt sick and couldn’t eat a thing at this party.

Here in his hometown things are good and I can cope when he goes out with his friends, as some of them I already still know from school or his sport mates.

Karen, I know i have a problem and I am in the process of seeking professional help but it always takes so long. Please what do you think? Don’t hesitate to ask if things are unclear. He’s good at heart and surely is trying and has been nice but then again how can I not be the nr.1 for him? I swore to myself that next time I wouldn’t settle for anything less and would deserve to be treated so that I feel good and happy….maybe its not been long enough yet and he needs more time ??
Can’t even cry anymore, just feel numb now and if this isn’t working out I don’t know how to go on. No phrase, I already took pills many years ago when I was hurting sooooo much and just wanted the pain to stop. I wont do it as it doesn’t help but i am scared and deep down soo hurt.

Thank you

Love Mel

Dear Mel,
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and that you have such a fear of losing those you love. I believe that we all go through exactly what we need to go through and for you it was what was needed. I know this sounds tough but it makes sense of things. I also think that we are given the same tests over and over again until we transform our behaviour and learn lessons from the tests. You mention that this has happened to you in relationships before. You need to work out what it is you need to change so that you will stop attracting the same relationships into your life.

I’ll try and explain more. You and your boyfriend – the more you cling to him, the more he knows you’re his and that he can do his own thing. It’s natural human behaviour to want what we can’t have and run from what we can. There is nothing wrong with putting 100% into a relationship but he has to be ready too. If you cling on for dear life when he’s not ready, you may send him running.

Relationships change very much over time and often people can mature and have very healthy relationships when they weren’t always that way. I’ve seen it with many of my friends whos relationships I thought were doomed when we were younger, and now some of them are in very happy marriages where they have worked through their problems.
If it’s right with your boyfriend and it’s meant to be then you will be able to do this BUT he has to be able to aswell. It’s not all up to you.
Remember every relationship teaches us exactly what we need to learn and even if it doesn’t last forever it’s really important to take the lessons to use them next time.
Also be certain that whatever is happening is what you need at that moment and that the right thing is happening for you. I honestly think that’s the way the universe works.

You say his colleagues are more to him than you. I’m sure this isn’t true, but he just wants to go out with his friends sometimes. You need to be very clear on what it’s right for you to expect and not expect. I agree that he shouldn’t have missed your party but did you spring it on him? I don’t know all the circumstances. Perhaps he’s overwhelmed by your clinging but if that’s your history then he needs to be able to handle it (to a certain extent) but you need to work on it too. Don’t use it as an excuse. Learn to value yourself and you will attract a man who values you too.
You really need to work out whether your demands are too much or not and I’m sure deep down you know.
Also why was meeting his colleagues so hard for you? Is it because you resent the time he spends with them?

Another thing that I think is really important to think about is the energy flow in a relationship. Does one person drain the other? Is it an equal flow. Relationships are about support, love, giving and sharing and about 2 people being the best that they can be. They are not about drama and nonsense ( I should know). Go for the best. I believe you can do it.
I know getting professional help takes time but Rome wasn’t built in a day and transforming a lifetime of lessons and habits takes time too. Really work on yourself and you will have a happy relationship.
Thank you for confiding in me. I hope some of this helps.

Love Karen