Dear Karen

Dear Karen,

The beginning of last year i met a guy who moved in across the street. He was always making me laugh and when we went to a class together he would sit near me and chat until it was time to leave. I was away for a while and when i came back he didnt seem to talk to me as much, one of his friends told me that he was crushing on me, he knew what his friend was telling me and sometimes would be with him but standing back not seeming to mind what his friend was saying. We would hang about with other people and it seemed he was trying to make me laugh and notice him, but i dont know if its just my imagination. Recently he said whatever his friend told me about him wasnt true and he was ’stirring’. Now i dont know what to think, is he flirting and likes me, or is he like this with everyone? Also, one of my best friends has told me she likes him aswell. I think like him a lot but i’m very shy and not the prettiest of the bunch either.

My heads so mucked up with things and i really dont know what to do, is there a way to tell he likes me?

Thank you!

Katie.

Dear Katie,
The first thing is that you say you are not the prettiest of the bunch. People come in all shapes and sizes and actually looks have nothing to do with acquiring a partner. Look at couples as you walk down the street. Lots of people who are not “obviously” attractive have partners. Then look at all the so called gorgeous people who aren’t in steady relationships. Our society puts far too much importance on looks and I get sucked in like the rest of them. The most attractive thing though is confidence. Believe you are attractive and you will be.

As far as this guy goes I am a bit stumped. I must admit. I have the same problem even now. Sometimes it’s very obvious when someone likes me and other times it isn’t and there are no hard and fast rules. Also he is young, he might like you and be shy or not feel ready for anything. The only thing is this, from what I have seen, When a guy likes a girl, he usually goes and gets her. He may just like you as a friend and he may like you as more, but maybe just keep going as you are, be his friend and he will get to know you. Remember this, if it’s meant to be it will be. I know you really like him and I hope he likes you but if not, be his friend and keep believing in yourself. I’m sorry I can’t give an answer to how you can tell for sure if a guy likes you – I wish I could (for all womankind!)

Love Karen

Dear Karen,

I met this guy about 18 months ago at a friends party, and we hit it off straight away. There was so much chemistry between us and we spent near to the whole summer arranging meets and talking/texting. We still keep in touch now, but the thing is he’s literally killing my emotions. We were so close and every time we spent together was so magical, I looked forward to seeing him for days and would smile so much after. But, he’s quite honestly the most iciest person I know when it comes to expressing yourself. He says its becasue he’s been hurt in the past and finds it hard to open up to people, but after this long of knowing eachother its clear its something more.

Every time we met up, it would be weeks before we’d see eachother again, because his job requires alot of travelling around. If i had it my way we’d have been together so much more, but he never seemed interested. Yet he’d always find a way of making me feel like a complete princess, telling me how much he’s missed me and he just wants to see me because he loves me. But he’s so tempremental. He always lets me down right before we meet up or acts really cold afterwards, but still texts me wanting to see me again and telling me he cares about me. The horrible thing is i’ll always let him get away with it cos im so in love with him.

I dont know what to do. Maybe I’m wasting my time. I don’t think he’ll ever fully commit to me as he says he doesn’t have time. Like I said before, the industry he’s in requires him to be on the road alot touring Europe.

Please help me, i’m so stuck and feel so so alone. I really need some advice

Chantal xxxx

Hi Chantal,
This sounds really painful and I’m sorry you are going through it. What is clear from your letter is that he holds all the power and that never makes for a healthy relationship. I had a relationship just like this many years ago. In fact I could have written your letter then. Everything was always on his terms and he travelled all the time but when he was around he made me feel like the only woman alive. From my experience, the problem lies with both parties. He just wasn’t capable of a healthy, committed relationship at the time and I was prepared to put up with what he had to offer.
So what I will say is this. We all have choices and you can take control of this situation and therefore your life. I know it feels like you can’t but you can. If you don’t want a relationship like this then you have the choice not too. If you want a committed relationship with a warm man who can express himself then you can have it, but not while you are in this one. I know it sounds as though I am not understanding the strength of your feelings towards him but I do. I also know that he is not giving you what you need.
I know he always wants to see you again and that he texts but deep down I think you know your feelings are stronger.
He sounds afraid of intimacy, whether it’s because he has been hurt before I don’t know, but if you make him feel secure which it sounds like you do, then he should be able to grow. Try to get him to open up and be honest with him about your needs. Why should it all be on his terms? Also be honest with yourself. If you really believe he will never commit to you and commitment is what you want then you are going to cause yourself a lot more pain.

Chemistry is very powerful but what is more important is friendship, respect, trust and intimacy. Those are things that need to be developed for a good relationship.
My healthiest relationships have been the ones that didn’t involve drama and pain and they do exist.
You will be learning something from this relationship, even if it’s just about what you will or won’t put up with in the future. You can find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them and where you feel secure and in control. I promise.
Be your own person and get what you want and need too.
Love Karen

Dear Karen,

I am a straight male and have had a girlfriend for six years, but recently I have been having very innapropriate thoughts about another man.

The other man is gay and is very interested in an affair but I have only ever met him over the internet and he is 20 years younger than me (I am 37).

What should I do? Please help me Karen!

Love
Thomas

Hi Thomas.
There are a few things to work out here. You don’t say how you feel towards your girlfriend. Are you in love with her? Do you have a healthy sex life etc?
You may be having feelings towards this man because you don’t know him and because it’s not really real. If it was someone you knew then it would be easier to decide.
Have you had feelings for men before or ever experimented?
This other man is also very young so please be careful of that.
You need to find out your sexuality but I’m not sure that this is the way to do it. The first line of your problem is “I am a straight male” Perhaps you are just bored and fantasizing but if not then you need to find out. If you are gay there will be lots of changes in your life but we live in a much more accepting society and lots of support is available.

Whatever you do, please do your best not to hurt your girlfriend. I’m sure she would be shocked that you are flirting with a young male on the internet so consider her feelings.
Good luck,
Love Karen

Dear Karen

I don’t know what to do. I’m in love with a popstar, it’s ridiculous, I know, and I can’t help but look at his picture every night before I go to bed. I’m only 15 and he’s in his 30’s! He’s old enough to be my dad! I’ve had problems finding a proper boyfriend because of my obsession!!!

Would love to hear back from you

Sarah x

Hi Sarah,
I have to tell you that when I was your age I was totally in love with David Van Day from Dollar and then Paul Young, neither of whom you will remember but more importantly, neither of whom I would want to be with now! Every inch of my wall and ceiling were covered with Paul Young, in fact the whole school used to deliver their posters of him to my classroom. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
I don’t think it’s unhealthy, I think it’s normal and I’ll tell you why I think girls get obsessed like this. You are becoming a woman and the boys around you are still boys. Women mature faster than men so these popstars seem grown up and mature and obviously more exciting than the boys you know.
Also it’s really important not to do things before you are ready. I wasn’t really ready for a sexual relationship at your age so actually it was better to fantasize about a popstar. Don’t rush it with a real boyfriend.
Don’t worry about it. It’s perfectly normal. You’ll move on when you are ready.
He’ll probably want to go out with you when you 30 and he’ll be 50 something and you’ll think he’s old and wrinkly!!
Love Karen
PS. Is he in Take That??

Dear Karen,

I am in a quandry. I am still in love with my ex, but we split up a fair time ago and he has moved on. I still see him from time to time, and he’s always there for me when I need him, but I just want more! I think he knows that I like him, I’m not very subtle about it, but he’s never encouraged me, nor told me to back off. I’m so confused. Lots of other girls like him because he’s so nice and goodlooking, and I get jealous. I was talking to him the other day and a girl came up to him and started flirting, and I just wanted to punch her! Is this normal?
Shall I tell him that I still love him? Or should I just try to make him fall back in love with me?
I’ve even written songs about him *embarrassed*.
I love your music Karen, it really touches me, and it makes me feel like you’d understand this problem, and give me some useful advice.

When are you doing a tour? I’d love to come and see you!

Thanks in advance.

An unhappy fan.

Hi There,
I know this is painful and I have been there of course. You don’t say why you split up but people do change and grow so maybe this isn’t relevant. He obviously still cares for you as he would not be there for you otherwise but the question is how much. I know when I have been in a similar position it has taken for the ex to be in a new relationship for the relationship with me to change.
I’m worried that if you don’t confront this at some point you will be in limbo. I know some will disagree but I don’t know any women who can meet someone when they are in love with an ex so I think the best thing you can do is find out so you can either be with him or move on.
Be realistic before you put yourself through too much. If he is not encouraging it, why not? Is he shy or does he go for what he wants?
Relationships do go through changes but I’m worried that if you have made it obvious and he hasn’t gone for it then maybe he doesn’t want to go back. I know if it was me I would have to find out but you sound more patient than I am. If you want to be with him you have two choices. 1. Play unbelievably hard to get (Immature but often works) 2. Tell him you still love him (mature but risky) If he has really moved on then it doesn’t matter what you do. My feeling would be tell him and find out once and for all. If he rejects you it doesn’t matter. At least you’ll have your answer and have been brave.

There is a school of thought that says whatever relationships we have, however painful, they are put there for a reason and we always learn something. Whatever happens you must remember that you are special and have lots to offer and that you will meet someone else.

Yes it is fairly normal to want to punch girls who flirt with the men we love but definitely best not too!!!

Please don’t be embarrassed about writing songs about your feelings. I was in the beginning but if you write from the heart people will relate. Keep writing.

Hopefully I will be touring soon and I’ll keep you updated.

Let me know what happens with the ex if you get a chance. GOOD LUCK
Love Karen