Dear Karen

Hello Karen

You probably don’t remember me but I was inspired by your last piece of
advice. I met someone once through a mutual friend six months ago and we
exchanged numbers , e-mails after one hello, a handshake and a brief
conversation. We have been talking and e-mailing but beginning to think that
I am putting too many eggs in this particular basket. To add to the mix,
they live abroad . I have family there and had arranged to holiday there in
6 weeks time before we even met. Now the doubts and butterflies have set in.
I have always felt I am too grounded to fall for someone on the internet, but
many phone calls and e-mails later I am beginning to wonder where this is
heading. There is no agenda on their part as they are financially
independent and reliant on nothing from me which makes it all the more
worrying. By the way, one of my biggest faults is second guessing
situations. What do you think ?

Nicole

Hi Nicole, I’m a little bit confused by what you mean when you say that he is independent with no financial agenda etc. Isn’t that a good thing. Wouldn’t it be worse if he did want something from you. If he just likes you for you and nothing else that sounds like a good thing.
Like you, I love second guessing but I’m beginning to learn that people are all so different that it’s impossible to know what other people are doing and why.
It sounds to me like he must be interested in some way because he is emailing and you are in contact after only a brief meeting but you have no idea what this means. Until you see his life a bit more it will be impossible to tell.
You were going where he is anyway so go not expecting too much and see what happens. Chance encounters are all for a reason but yes, you are putting too many eggs in one basket. Try and think about it less and enjoy yourself here until your holiday comes. Remember, it takes a long time to get to know someone.
Your email doesn’t say much about whether your contact has been romantic or friendly so it’s hard for me to tell not knowing too much.
Relax and know that if it doesn’t work out then it wasn’t meant to be and he isn’t the right one for you. Enjoy it while you go though.
Love Karen

i’ve broke up with ex for almost half a year already. but i still can’t forget him. he knows that i still like him. but he kept asking me to forget about him, and i should move on with my life. i know i should stop thinking about him. but i can’t. i still like him. what should i do, karen?

I know this is really hard. He’s right though. You should take his advice and forget about him. If it’s not meant to be then it’s not meant to be. You need someone who really wants to be with you and even though you really like your ex, you can be with someone who actually wants you as much as you want them.
Liking someone more than they like you is very bad for your self esteem.
Put him behind you and know in your heart that you will love someone else as much again and that you weren’t supposed to be with your ex. Allow yourself to feel sad but try not to dwell on thoughts of him. Be kind to yourself. When you put him behind you, you will open the door for someone new. Good luck

Dear Karen,
How are you? I’ve read in your site that you give advice on several matters and I decided to get an advice for myself!!
My name is Christina, I am from Greece and I live in Greece. I am 22 years old and my “problem” is that I want to become a singer and a succesful one if possible!!
The thing is, that I do not know what to do, how to begin. There is this summer course in London Music School which is very interesting but also quite expensive for me. Moreover, I found a couple of lessons in Goldsmiths university but they told me to wait until their new schedule is out.
The truth is that my parents don’t really like the idea of me becoming a singer or even pursuing such a career and they also don’t like me living in another country alone.
Honestly, I could use your help!!
What would you advise me to do? What would you do?
I look forward to hearing from you soon!!

Ps: I would like to remain anonymous.

Love Christina!!

Hey there.
This is a bit tricky for me to answer because I think that everyone’s path is so different but if you want to be a singer then GO FOR IT. If you believe in yourself and it feels like the right thing then you have to follow your heart. When I was younger my parents also didn’t want me to be a singer but now they are 100% supportive.
On a practical level I don’t really know what to say to you because for me it was something that I fell into when I was much older than you. For me it happened because someone played my songs to someone and things snowballed. It was never a decision as such.
I have singing lessons and I have had to work really hard on that.
The music schools that you mention over here, I’m sure are very good. I know it is very expensive for a foreign student but London is somewhere where you can make things happen.
Whatever you do, work really hard, practice hard and maybe prove to your parents that you are really going to do it properly and then maybe their support will grow.
At the moment I’m not sure what else to suggest as I don’t know anything about music courses here or the best way in. I do believe though that if you want something enough then it will happen.
Good luck and let me know if I can help more in any way.
Love Karen

Dear Karen,

I am a 25 year old woman whom has just entered, what I feel, is my first serious adult relationship. I swear, if you put all of my
ideal qualities into a blender, you would have come up with this man…he’s intelligent, caring, trustworthy, passionate about
traveling and cross-cultural misadventures same as me (we were both teachers in Japan), and he treats me like, in his words,
“the sun shines out of my *rse.” I genuinely love him. There is nothing about him that I wouldn’t be able to deal with today,
tomorrow or 20 years from now (as far as I can tell), and we both feel very similarly about each other. Currently, our relationship is
long distance while I’m working out a way to move so that we can be closer together (by applying to grad school).

The issue lies here: I have a GIANT phobia of opening up to men. My first major relationship was with a man when I was very young.
I was only 15, and he was 18. It lasted on and off for 4 years and, honestly, I wouldn’t even credit this as a “serious” relationship because of
my age at the time, if it weren’t for the fact that SO much transgressed in those 4 years. It was textbook abusive. I was abused by my father,
and continuously brutalized by my brother, and so I treated him as a refuge in which to hide on and off until I went away to college on my own.
What I failed to realize at the time, was that my boyfriend was ten times worse than any other man I’ve met to date. I didn’t
even put a term to describe the behavior until he raped me at age 19, and gave me an STD. When I went to therapy afterwards, and discussed
all the things that happened (being beaten, slapped, forced to do humiliating things and wear humiliating clothes, and eat/act in certain ways),
did I put phrases like “sexual assault” and “domestic violence” into my vocabulary.

Needless to say, since then, I’ve been very cautious upon entering relationships. In between this one I am currently in, and that first one, I
was in several smaller less meaningful relationships that, in retrospect, I see really meant nothing at all to me. I’ve been single for nearly 4 years up
until my current boyfriend…and find it indescribably difficult to open up to him. He knows about the rape and the STD, but he does not know
about everything that led up to it…including events that transpired between the male members of my family and I. I still have nightmares about
things that have happened. I can’t watch scenes of rape in movies or on TV. Sometimes, I disappear without telling him where I go for several
days at a time…and being long distance at the moment, this is especially cruel. I get very sensitive to comments about women being “illogical”
or “overly sensitive.” As I feel these are just cop outs and, irregardless of the the joking nature in which they may have been said, really p*ss me off.
I suppose that part of the reason why I get cold, is because I miss him so much, and it hurts that we cannot be together right now.
I feel like I’m hurting the relationship, but I don’t know how to stop. I feel like he’s the kind of person who would listen if I asked him to,
but I also feel like opening up about how much all of this still affects me would label me as a basket case, and perhaps cause him to worry more
about me than necessary. I don’t want him to see me as weak.

My question is this: Is there a point of no return, when someone has been hurt so much that they cannot engage in a normal relationship with another
human being? Sometimes, I feel like, no matter how far I’ve come since that naive little girl so long ago, I am still struggling to deal with the things that
happened…and I can’t be all happy-go-lucky. And I just get stuck in this rut.

Thank you,

Anonymous.

Okay, sometimes I think that there is a point of no return where people can’t engage in a normal relationship because we see it all around us. People become murderers and rapists and I would pretty much bet that no one who has had a happy and secure childhood ends up this way. However my belief is this. EVERYONE has a choice, to choose evil and to destroy their own lives and the lives of others OR to choose the right path, which by the way, you are already on.

You have been through horrendous trauma and yet you have managed to break the cycle by finding a wonderful and caring man. Many women go from one abusive relationship to another. I think that you can really make this relationship work. It will be hard for you but I truly believe that you can do it. Your letter really touched me and shows how much you want to recover and have a healthy relationship.
You have opened up to him a certain amount telling him about the abusive relationship, which it seems he understood. I don’t know whether or not you have contact with your Father and brother anymore but my bet would be that your boyfriend would understand. It’s quite a lot to keep to yourself but having said that it will be difficult for him to hear. If you need to tell him, then I think you should tell him.

If this man is really wonderful then you need to think really hard about the ways in which you sabotage the relationship. Deep down you may not believe you deserve this relationship because of the abuse that you have suffered by the men who should have cared for you the most. But you DO deserve this relationship. DON’T do disappearing acts. They are very hard to be on the receiving end of. Don’t be cruel to him. Care for him as you want him to care for you. Make a list of all the damaging behaviour that you do when you become scared or fragile so that you can recognise it and STOP when you feel it happening. My feeling is that the more you open up to him, the easier this will become because instead of acting out your fear, you can talk about it. You’ve broken the cycle so don’t ruin it. Tell him you don’t want him to see you as weak. Tell him you don’t want him to see you as a basket case, and remember that he already loves you. You’ve been through an enormous amount. You’d be odd if it DIDN’T affect you.

I’m really pleased that you can recognise a good man when you see one and that you haven’t tarred them all with the same brush. By the same token, wonderful men are not everywhere (I can vouch) and if you love each other then trust in it.

However, if it doesn’t work out, you have to trust in that too. Everything happens for a reason. I really believe this. I don’t know what you do, but perhaps you could help those who have been through similar experiences to you. This might make more sense of it for you. Just a suggestion.

By the way, there is a school of thought that says a separation such as yours can be very healthy for a relationship. It tests a couple and lets them know if they really want to be together.

Finally I want to say that it may also be a good idea (if it’s possible) for you to have some more therapy. I’m sure you will be dealing with your past for a long time. I hope you can.

Your letter was beautiful and I really believe that you want a good relationship, and that means you will.

Love Karen

dear Karen,
i went out with my ex for almost a year. we are both REALLY young like not even in high school. but it wasn’t that typical relationship. it was deep. he tought me how to love and was very nice to me he loved me a lot ( he wrote a poem about me) but my trust issues got in the way. so i was scared and “pretended” to like another guy. he was hurt by that but i kept the relationship going because i still loved him. eventually we broke up and i cried all night. his parents are never home and so i think he is just looking for someone to love him. he has completely changed into this jerk now. he has a major crush on my bff. well we dont really talk anymore because it is kind of weird between us. it hurts me soo much that he likes her and she is prettier than me and a lot more thin. you see my ex is not the most attractive person and he is chubby. but i love his chubby-ness. not alot of people do. but i love it. my fear is that my bff will say yes to him and htye will fall in love and he will have moved on. but i dont really think she will say yes because of the way he looks. i just want to show him that i am the only one for him but i am waiting for him to make the first move and i catch him all the time looking at me in class. when our eyes meet it is wonderful. but then in a hour i hear how much he loves her from my other friend. yeah he talks about hw much he likes my bff to my other bff who of course tells me all of this without a care because she doesnt understand why i still like him . i dont know what to do i LOVE him…please help me=((

sincerally,
liz

Hi Liz,
I’ve said it before on this page but looks have nothing to do with love. Just as you are attracted to your ex even though he is chubby, people are attracted to one another for all sorts of reasons. I’m sure you are very special so don’t worry about other girls. You have your qualities, just have confidence in them. I’m not sure what BFF is but I’m thinking that it stands for best friend?
Why don’t you tell him how you feel about him still. If he doesn’t feel the same, at least you can move on. EVERYONE gets rejected, believe me! You never know he might still feel the same way too though. What you should remember is that everything happens for a reason and that you will learn from this. Maybe you’ll learn that doing the pretending thing can backfire. I think it’s good to be honest and trust is really important.
You’re so young and I promise you’ll change so much that it’s rare to find “the one” so young but if he is the one – he’ll feel it too. I hope it works out but I promise if it doesn’t you will feel this way again. You sound lovely and sensitive – maybe you need to find a more understanding BFF to support you.
Love Karen

Dear Karen,

The beginning of last year i met a guy who moved in across the street. He was always making me laugh and when we went to a class together he would sit near me and chat until it was time to leave. I was away for a while and when i came back he didnt seem to talk to me as much, one of his friends told me that he was crushing on me, he knew what his friend was telling me and sometimes would be with him but standing back not seeming to mind what his friend was saying. We would hang about with other people and it seemed he was trying to make me laugh and notice him, but i dont know if its just my imagination. Recently he said whatever his friend told me about him wasnt true and he was ’stirring’. Now i dont know what to think, is he flirting and likes me, or is he like this with everyone? Also, one of my best friends has told me she likes him aswell. I think like him a lot but i’m very shy and not the prettiest of the bunch either.

My heads so mucked up with things and i really dont know what to do, is there a way to tell he likes me?

Thank you!

Katie.

Dear Katie,
The first thing is that you say you are not the prettiest of the bunch. People come in all shapes and sizes and actually looks have nothing to do with acquiring a partner. Look at couples as you walk down the street. Lots of people who are not “obviously” attractive have partners. Then look at all the so called gorgeous people who aren’t in steady relationships. Our society puts far too much importance on looks and I get sucked in like the rest of them. The most attractive thing though is confidence. Believe you are attractive and you will be.

As far as this guy goes I am a bit stumped. I must admit. I have the same problem even now. Sometimes it’s very obvious when someone likes me and other times it isn’t and there are no hard and fast rules. Also he is young, he might like you and be shy or not feel ready for anything. The only thing is this, from what I have seen, When a guy likes a girl, he usually goes and gets her. He may just like you as a friend and he may like you as more, but maybe just keep going as you are, be his friend and he will get to know you. Remember this, if it’s meant to be it will be. I know you really like him and I hope he likes you but if not, be his friend and keep believing in yourself. I’m sorry I can’t give an answer to how you can tell for sure if a guy likes you – I wish I could (for all womankind!)

Love Karen

Dear Karen,

I met this guy about 18 months ago at a friends party, and we hit it off straight away. There was so much chemistry between us and we spent near to the whole summer arranging meets and talking/texting. We still keep in touch now, but the thing is he’s literally killing my emotions. We were so close and every time we spent together was so magical, I looked forward to seeing him for days and would smile so much after. But, he’s quite honestly the most iciest person I know when it comes to expressing yourself. He says its becasue he’s been hurt in the past and finds it hard to open up to people, but after this long of knowing eachother its clear its something more.

Every time we met up, it would be weeks before we’d see eachother again, because his job requires alot of travelling around. If i had it my way we’d have been together so much more, but he never seemed interested. Yet he’d always find a way of making me feel like a complete princess, telling me how much he’s missed me and he just wants to see me because he loves me. But he’s so tempremental. He always lets me down right before we meet up or acts really cold afterwards, but still texts me wanting to see me again and telling me he cares about me. The horrible thing is i’ll always let him get away with it cos im so in love with him.

I dont know what to do. Maybe I’m wasting my time. I don’t think he’ll ever fully commit to me as he says he doesn’t have time. Like I said before, the industry he’s in requires him to be on the road alot touring Europe.

Please help me, i’m so stuck and feel so so alone. I really need some advice

Chantal xxxx

Hi Chantal,
This sounds really painful and I’m sorry you are going through it. What is clear from your letter is that he holds all the power and that never makes for a healthy relationship. I had a relationship just like this many years ago. In fact I could have written your letter then. Everything was always on his terms and he travelled all the time but when he was around he made me feel like the only woman alive. From my experience, the problem lies with both parties. He just wasn’t capable of a healthy, committed relationship at the time and I was prepared to put up with what he had to offer.
So what I will say is this. We all have choices and you can take control of this situation and therefore your life. I know it feels like you can’t but you can. If you don’t want a relationship like this then you have the choice not too. If you want a committed relationship with a warm man who can express himself then you can have it, but not while you are in this one. I know it sounds as though I am not understanding the strength of your feelings towards him but I do. I also know that he is not giving you what you need.
I know he always wants to see you again and that he texts but deep down I think you know your feelings are stronger.
He sounds afraid of intimacy, whether it’s because he has been hurt before I don’t know, but if you make him feel secure which it sounds like you do, then he should be able to grow. Try to get him to open up and be honest with him about your needs. Why should it all be on his terms? Also be honest with yourself. If you really believe he will never commit to you and commitment is what you want then you are going to cause yourself a lot more pain.

Chemistry is very powerful but what is more important is friendship, respect, trust and intimacy. Those are things that need to be developed for a good relationship.
My healthiest relationships have been the ones that didn’t involve drama and pain and they do exist.
You will be learning something from this relationship, even if it’s just about what you will or won’t put up with in the future. You can find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them and where you feel secure and in control. I promise.
Be your own person and get what you want and need too.
Love Karen

Dear Karen,

I am a straight male and have had a girlfriend for six years, but recently I have been having very innapropriate thoughts about another man.

The other man is gay and is very interested in an affair but I have only ever met him over the internet and he is 20 years younger than me (I am 37).

What should I do? Please help me Karen!

Love
Thomas

Hi Thomas.
There are a few things to work out here. You don’t say how you feel towards your girlfriend. Are you in love with her? Do you have a healthy sex life etc?
You may be having feelings towards this man because you don’t know him and because it’s not really real. If it was someone you knew then it would be easier to decide.
Have you had feelings for men before or ever experimented?
This other man is also very young so please be careful of that.
You need to find out your sexuality but I’m not sure that this is the way to do it. The first line of your problem is “I am a straight male” Perhaps you are just bored and fantasizing but if not then you need to find out. If you are gay there will be lots of changes in your life but we live in a much more accepting society and lots of support is available.

Whatever you do, please do your best not to hurt your girlfriend. I’m sure she would be shocked that you are flirting with a young male on the internet so consider her feelings.
Good luck,
Love Karen

Dear Karen

I don’t know what to do. I’m in love with a popstar, it’s ridiculous, I know, and I can’t help but look at his picture every night before I go to bed. I’m only 15 and he’s in his 30’s! He’s old enough to be my dad! I’ve had problems finding a proper boyfriend because of my obsession!!!

Would love to hear back from you

Sarah x

Hi Sarah,
I have to tell you that when I was your age I was totally in love with David Van Day from Dollar and then Paul Young, neither of whom you will remember but more importantly, neither of whom I would want to be with now! Every inch of my wall and ceiling were covered with Paul Young, in fact the whole school used to deliver their posters of him to my classroom. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
I don’t think it’s unhealthy, I think it’s normal and I’ll tell you why I think girls get obsessed like this. You are becoming a woman and the boys around you are still boys. Women mature faster than men so these popstars seem grown up and mature and obviously more exciting than the boys you know.
Also it’s really important not to do things before you are ready. I wasn’t really ready for a sexual relationship at your age so actually it was better to fantasize about a popstar. Don’t rush it with a real boyfriend.
Don’t worry about it. It’s perfectly normal. You’ll move on when you are ready.
He’ll probably want to go out with you when you 30 and he’ll be 50 something and you’ll think he’s old and wrinkly!!
Love Karen
PS. Is he in Take That??

Dear Karen,

I am in a quandry. I am still in love with my ex, but we split up a fair time ago and he has moved on. I still see him from time to time, and he’s always there for me when I need him, but I just want more! I think he knows that I like him, I’m not very subtle about it, but he’s never encouraged me, nor told me to back off. I’m so confused. Lots of other girls like him because he’s so nice and goodlooking, and I get jealous. I was talking to him the other day and a girl came up to him and started flirting, and I just wanted to punch her! Is this normal?
Shall I tell him that I still love him? Or should I just try to make him fall back in love with me?
I’ve even written songs about him *embarrassed*.
I love your music Karen, it really touches me, and it makes me feel like you’d understand this problem, and give me some useful advice.

When are you doing a tour? I’d love to come and see you!

Thanks in advance.

An unhappy fan.

Hi There,
I know this is painful and I have been there of course. You don’t say why you split up but people do change and grow so maybe this isn’t relevant. He obviously still cares for you as he would not be there for you otherwise but the question is how much. I know when I have been in a similar position it has taken for the ex to be in a new relationship for the relationship with me to change.
I’m worried that if you don’t confront this at some point you will be in limbo. I know some will disagree but I don’t know any women who can meet someone when they are in love with an ex so I think the best thing you can do is find out so you can either be with him or move on.
Be realistic before you put yourself through too much. If he is not encouraging it, why not? Is he shy or does he go for what he wants?
Relationships do go through changes but I’m worried that if you have made it obvious and he hasn’t gone for it then maybe he doesn’t want to go back. I know if it was me I would have to find out but you sound more patient than I am. If you want to be with him you have two choices. 1. Play unbelievably hard to get (Immature but often works) 2. Tell him you still love him (mature but risky) If he has really moved on then it doesn’t matter what you do. My feeling would be tell him and find out once and for all. If he rejects you it doesn’t matter. At least you’ll have your answer and have been brave.

There is a school of thought that says whatever relationships we have, however painful, they are put there for a reason and we always learn something. Whatever happens you must remember that you are special and have lots to offer and that you will meet someone else.

Yes it is fairly normal to want to punch girls who flirt with the men we love but definitely best not too!!!

Please don’t be embarrassed about writing songs about your feelings. I was in the beginning but if you write from the heart people will relate. Keep writing.

Hopefully I will be touring soon and I’ll keep you updated.

Let me know what happens with the ex if you get a chance. GOOD LUCK
Love Karen