Dear Karen

Dear Emma,
It breaks my heart when I read letters like yours because no one should be treated like this and you deserve a man who wants only you and is willing to put the effort into a relationship. The problem is, you are allowing your ex to do exactly as he wishes. You are the woman and, even though you don’t know it, YOU are the one in control of the relationship. You are accepting scraps because you don’t feel you deserve more but you you do.
You are not giving anything up if you leave him, because he is giving you so very little anyway.
Emma, you need to start working on yourself and start loving yourself so that you’ll never accept to be treated like this again. If you carry on you’ll never be happy. The are a gzillion men out there who can treat you like a princess and who you can give to, but you can’t even see them because you are mixed up in something so unhealthy. Relationships are about growth and giving and I really hope you can find that. Allowing yourself to carry on as you are is damaging for you.
Your ex is lying to you about the other woman because he still wants to have sex with you but he’s also making it very clear that your relationship is over. He’s having his cake and eating it and you must stop letting him.
Move out and make room for something much better, and start believing you deserve it.
Let me know what happens,
Love Karen

Dear Karen,

I am 27 years old and I have been in a relationship for 5 years. I really love my boyfriend and I want to marry him but every time the conversation evolves around marriage he indicates that he is not ready (he is also 27). Five months ago I met a new friend of my boyfriend he is 35 and as soon as I saw him I could not get him out of my head. When my boyfriend was out of the country for business he came by our house in order to pick something that he had forgotten. The next day we went out for a drink and slowly slowly we started getting out (as friends) more but although I really found him attractive I would not dare to do anything with him. He also has a girlfriend for 6 years but she lives in a different country and they have broken up several times. One afternoon we went for a walk and he hugged me and kissed me on my forehead later on I received a txt from him saying that he was very proud that he did not kiss me as he really likes his friend (my boyfriend) and doing something like that would have been really bad. Two weeks later we met again and we ended up kissing and it was the more passionate kiss I have ever had. Since that whenever we can, we meet and each time it gets better and better. Last Thursday I slept at his house and he said that it has been the best night of his life.

I feel extremely guilty of what I am doing but I cannot help it. He told me he is in love with me and so am I. and he has hinted several time to break up with our partners in order to be with each other. But I do not know what to do. I still love my boyfriend a lot, but with him is like we ying yang each other in a perfect way.

I hope you can help me on this one,

Thanks Ellie

Ellie, you don’t need me to tell you that people are going to get hurt here. On one hand you’re saying that you’re ready for marriage and sort of blaming your boyfriend for what you’re doing because he says he’s not ready. But look at what you’re doing. You’re saying you want to commit and be faithful to this man for the rest of your life while sleeping with his friend. Marriage is about love and caring and NOT always doing what your body feels like. Of course after 5 years with someone it’s hard for the passion to remain as strong and there will always be men who you are attracted to. Marriage is about being able to resist and say no because you love your partner so much that you wouldn’t want to hurt them. That’s what committing is about.

I can’t help you decide which of these two men (if either) you are supposed to be with because I don’t know the separate relationships but what I will tell you is that you need to make a decision and stop seeing both of them at once. It’s not fair on your boyfriend and ultimately you are hurting yourself. It’s a tricky decision because passion and lust are very confusing but not a basis for a lifelong partnership, which you seem to have with your long-term boyfriend. Is it really yin and yang or just lust?

I know this all might have sounded harsh but I want to tell you that many years ago I was seeing someone for a few years and he went traveling for a few months. In this time I had an affair with his best friend. I also felt like I was in love with him but in the end we just hurt a lot of people and their friendship was damaged forever. I think it’s always a good rule to ask if you’re going to hurt people by doing something and if the answer is yes – don’t do it.

Let me know,

Love Karen

Dear Karen,

I’m with my boyfriend for nearly 4 months now. We went to Nursery and Primary school together and mailed each other a year before we managed to meet up. Everything seemed to go well but I have issues stemming from my childhood which makes a relationship for me very hard.(My mum is an alcoholic and left the family, no contact) This childhood experience left me with “verlustangst” = fear of loosing someone. He knows all my history of how I suffered…he spends lots of time with his colleagues and they party and they are more important to him than me… I can’t stand it and can’t bear it and it breaks my heart. Can’t explain the whole extent of it all but the thing that hurts me the most is that the day after my birthday, when i will host a party he prefers it to go away to Munich to the oktoberfst with his colleagues and cant understand how hurt I am by this. I am thinking of ending it although he was the first man I slept with and usually when were together its all fine and I know his family but when he is with his colleagues he’s different and that hurts me and I cant bear it (he lives in a small town and commutes to work ).
What shall I do? I cant bear it when he does stuff like Oktoberfest and I cry and have a breakdown as it hurts me soo much as it happened in a previous relationship and now next week he’s also going on holiday with his colleague….and I don’t know how to cope.

We talked lots and both want the same really but he’s also hurt form a previous relationship and is holding back his feelings and I give 100% in this relationship and just want to be loved. I am crying and sobbing and really don’t know if I should just beat him with his own weapons and should act carefree and as if I wouldn’t mind all this hoping to show him his own behaviour.
Right now I am up and in my living room, he’s still sleeping in my bed but after the colleagues party last night I cant bear to be near him now and cant sleep. Yesterday in bed I clung onto his arm as i was soo terrified of loosing him as I met the colleagues for the first time and just couldn’t cope with that. I wanted to be close to him but no matter how hard I would have hugged him it would never be enough, yet at the same time i felt sick and couldn’t eat a thing at this party.

Here in his hometown things are good and I can cope when he goes out with his friends, as some of them I already still know from school or his sport mates.

Karen, I know i have a problem and I am in the process of seeking professional help but it always takes so long. Please what do you think? Don’t hesitate to ask if things are unclear. He’s good at heart and surely is trying and has been nice but then again how can I not be the nr.1 for him? I swore to myself that next time I wouldn’t settle for anything less and would deserve to be treated so that I feel good and happy….maybe its not been long enough yet and he needs more time ??
Can’t even cry anymore, just feel numb now and if this isn’t working out I don’t know how to go on. No phrase, I already took pills many years ago when I was hurting sooooo much and just wanted the pain to stop. I wont do it as it doesn’t help but i am scared and deep down soo hurt.

Thank you

Love Mel

Dear Mel,
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and that you have such a fear of losing those you love. I believe that we all go through exactly what we need to go through and for you it was what was needed. I know this sounds tough but it makes sense of things. I also think that we are given the same tests over and over again until we transform our behaviour and learn lessons from the tests. You mention that this has happened to you in relationships before. You need to work out what it is you need to change so that you will stop attracting the same relationships into your life.

I’ll try and explain more. You and your boyfriend – the more you cling to him, the more he knows you’re his and that he can do his own thing. It’s natural human behaviour to want what we can’t have and run from what we can. There is nothing wrong with putting 100% into a relationship but he has to be ready too. If you cling on for dear life when he’s not ready, you may send him running.

Relationships change very much over time and often people can mature and have very healthy relationships when they weren’t always that way. I’ve seen it with many of my friends whos relationships I thought were doomed when we were younger, and now some of them are in very happy marriages where they have worked through their problems.
If it’s right with your boyfriend and it’s meant to be then you will be able to do this BUT he has to be able to aswell. It’s not all up to you.
Remember every relationship teaches us exactly what we need to learn and even if it doesn’t last forever it’s really important to take the lessons to use them next time.
Also be certain that whatever is happening is what you need at that moment and that the right thing is happening for you. I honestly think that’s the way the universe works.

You say his colleagues are more to him than you. I’m sure this isn’t true, but he just wants to go out with his friends sometimes. You need to be very clear on what it’s right for you to expect and not expect. I agree that he shouldn’t have missed your party but did you spring it on him? I don’t know all the circumstances. Perhaps he’s overwhelmed by your clinging but if that’s your history then he needs to be able to handle it (to a certain extent) but you need to work on it too. Don’t use it as an excuse. Learn to value yourself and you will attract a man who values you too.
You really need to work out whether your demands are too much or not and I’m sure deep down you know.
Also why was meeting his colleagues so hard for you? Is it because you resent the time he spends with them?

Another thing that I think is really important to think about is the energy flow in a relationship. Does one person drain the other? Is it an equal flow. Relationships are about support, love, giving and sharing and about 2 people being the best that they can be. They are not about drama and nonsense ( I should know). Go for the best. I believe you can do it.
I know getting professional help takes time but Rome wasn’t built in a day and transforming a lifetime of lessons and habits takes time too. Really work on yourself and you will have a happy relationship.
Thank you for confiding in me. I hope some of this helps.

Love Karen

Hi, Karen
I’ve been seeing a co-worker, he lives with his girlfriend he says that he doesn’t love her and hasn’t slept with for 9 months now. He says that he loves me and he wants me to wait until income tax so he can pay her a big sum of money that he owes her, then we will move in together. What should I do? Should I wait 5 more months? When he’s home on the weekends he doesn’t call me because she is home. I really love this guy and when we are at work he treats me very well. Can you advise me please. Thanks

Hi There,
You don’t give me that much information but honestly, if I were you, I would stop seeing him until he has made a commitment to you. Someone said this to me recently. “Never believe what a man says, watch what he does” You can’t believe what he is saying to you until he acts on it. He may be telling the truth but he may not be. I think if you really believed him, you wouldn’t be writing to me. You could say to him that you can’t see him until he has left her. You’ll still see him at work but you’ll be protecting yourself. Also, don’t you worry about the way he’s treating his girlfriend. If he can lie to her then he can lie to you. Sorry but, it doesn’t sound like a great situation. It sounds like he’s having his cake and eating it. Good luck.
Love Karen

COMMENT FROM ANONYMOUS
Comment:
It amazes me that we women accept less from a man/relationship than we would from a friend. I should know. I accepted less for a very long time…21 years to be exact. I am done being treated badly by a man and making excuses in the name of Love. If someone Loves you, they don’t lie to you, they don’t give you their left-over time, they don’t treat you like a dirty secret & they don’t continue to hurt you by not making you a priority. If someone Loves you and you tell them that that are hurting you; they apologize and make changes so that they do not hurt you anymore. We treat people how to treat us. After 21 years of accepting being treated badly, I have finally realized that I deserve to be Loved. I would rather be alone and be happy by Loving myself than in a relationship with someone who hurts me and calls it Love.

I am with a guy for two and a half years and in love, but he wants other women and there is nothing I can do to change that. He says that he loves me but can’t and doesn’t want to stop… I can’t let go…help!

I’m really sorry for you. Your letter is so short and sad and I can only advise you on how this probably feels. Firstly I know you have very strong feelings for him and 2 and a half years is a long time.
For some people having an open relationship is okay. For me it wouldn’t be and if it were okay for you then you wouldn’t be writing to me. I think anyone is capable of being faithful. The point is and you say it in your letter, he doesn’t want to stop. It’s his choice and it’s your choice whether you stay with him or not. In a relationship one of the most important things is to want to make your partner happy – what you can give to your partner? What you can bring to the relationship? How can you help them grow? That is what I believe makes a healthy relationship. Your partner is doing something that makes you unhappy. He is telling you though and being honest and you have the choice whether to stay or go. You can be with someone who’s priority is to make you happy and care for you and I know that your feelings are strong but this is not the guy, not now anyway.
If you let go of him – know in your heart that you are letting go of something that was not helping you as a person. Letting go will help you grow and find self- respect. I hope you can.
Love Karen